transformers 4 dinobotA good friend of mine makes his living selling vintage toys that inspired many of the cartoon properties of the 1980s.   After I saw the new poster for TRANSFORMERS 4 – AGE OF EXTINCTION,  I reached out to my friend to ask how he feels about the possibility of Dinobots making an appearance in Michael Bay’s latest movie about people running from fire and cartoon robots.

ME:  So the new rumor online is that  Michael Bay’s new TRANSFORMERS  movie is going to have something called “Dinobots” in it.

LANDO VON SPACE INVADER (My friend doesn’t like it when I use his real name on the internet): That is AWESOME! FINALLY!

ME: Really?  This is something you’ve been missing?

LANDO: OH GOD yes! Dinobots were the best !

ME: Are they robots?

LANDO: Of course! They’re Transformers!

ME: But they’re Dinosaurs?

LANDO: Dinosaur Robots!

ME: Well why would “Autobots” be Dinosaurs?

LANDO: They’re NOT Autobots! They’re DINOBOTS The Autobots MADE the Dinobots!

ME: Why?

LANDO: Because robot Dinosaurs are AWESOME !

ME: What circumstance came about to cause the Autobots to have a need to actually create robots that turned into Dinosaurs?

LANDO: I don’t get you man.  Does it matter? Why don’t you love Dinobots?

ME: I didn’t say I DON’T love Dinobots – I just don’t understand them – do they protect the “All Spark”?

LANDO: Who cares about the All Spark – Dude – DINOBOTS ! This is gonna ROCK !

ME: Is Megan Fox going to be in the movie?

LANDO: What? Dude Megan Fox is OUT – She wasn’t even in TRANSFORMERS 3

ME: She wasn’t?

LANDO: Nope.

ME: Are you sure?

LANDO: Of course I’m sure ! Did you even see TRANSFORMERS 3?

ME: I don’t know. I think so. It feels like I did. Did cars drive really fast and then turn into robots and then back into cars while that Shia La Douche guy dodged impossibly large explosions and screamed “Optimus” for two hours?

LANDO: Yup.

ME: Then yeah. I saw that. So Megan Fox isn’t in the new one?

LANDO: No way man – she’s gonna be in Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

ME: She is?

teenage mutant ninja dinosaurLANDO: Yup.  She’s playing April O’Neil.

ME: Oh. That seems like a mistake.  Don’t you think it makes more sense for Dinosaurs to be in THAT movie because, you know, “reptiles”. Maybe they can do a cross over. The Turtles accidently get their “ooze” DNA mixed with the DNA of a Dinosaur egg at the Museum of Natural History in NYC and then it gets zapped by the All Spark – then BAM !  Dinosaur Ninja Robots !

LANDO: That’s stupid.

ME: You think THAT’S stupid?

LANDO: Yeah man. Ninjas can’t be robots.

ME: But DINOSAURS can be robots?  You have no issue with that?

LANDO: Dinobots man – AWESOME . . .

ME: I’m going to go read a book.

No Responses

  1. Memphis Reigns

    You take the geek out of geeking out. I think billy the Kidd found his new billy the Kidd for his own website. Expect a Facebook message regarding you employment very soon lol

    Reply
    • Calmixx

      LOL – Actually my contract states that I have to be fired via Twitter . . . 🙂

      Reply
      • Eberts_Bloated_Pale_Corpse

        Oh my gosh! That was so fucking funny! You’re like the craziest ass-eating comedian in the world! You should write for SNL…..or better yet, Hugo Chavez. Who gives a shit that he’s dead, you can stick your skinny arm up his embalmed asshole and muppet that fuckers jaw to your aneurysm inducing lines.

  2. Frank Castle

    IDK about you, but The Dinosaur Ninja Robots sounds as cool as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Two origin movies, and a crossover movie TDNR vs. TMNT!

    Reply
    • Memphis Reigns

      Dinosaur samurai senior robots vs teenage mutant ninja turtles. They can’t both be ninjas, need different age classification and child hoods that need raping. Like a butt load of child hood rapes

      Reply
      • Frank Castle

        LOL Turtles and Robots are totally different! I think Ninja is just an honorary title. Like Sir Elton John or Sir Ian McKellan…

      • Memphis Reigns

        Did I lose you at ‘butt load of child hood rapes?’ Cause you can keep robots and ninjas, but samurai and ninjas are different, as are seniors and teenagers. You picking up what I’m throwing down?

      • Frank Castle

        Dumb butter fingers, total dropped what you were throwing!

  3. Sagamanus

    Sure this film needs dinobots. But the world doesn’t need another Transformers film!

    Reply
  4. Kubrick's Rube

    Every time I read ‘I reached out’ I imagine people using phones, emailing, or otherwise mundanely CONTACTING someone whilst dressed as Jesus, healing a starving child, surrounded by white light and pretending to vulcan mind-meld with the recipient of their ‘reaching out’. Please make this horrible post-corporate phrase go away 🙁 pleeeeeeeeese eeeeeeet suuuuuuucccckkkssss baaaalllllsssssssss.

    Otherwise this was an amusing article 😉

    As to the content of the article: what’s not to like about the G1 Dinobots? Their origin is (relatively) logical….but of course that aint the Bay continuity. Based on the racism in the previous films, I suspect the Dinobots will all be voiced to sound like Downs Syndrome kids, and will provide the ‘wacky comedy’ by dribbling, playing with their robot genitals, and trying to hump whatever fuckable dolly-bird they pointlessly shoe-horn into the probably awful script. All of which will be hilarious to 12 year old boys, but make me want to kill every fucking human in existence.

    Reply

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