A good friend of mine makes his living selling vintage toys that inspired many of the cartoon properties of the 1980s. After I saw the new poster for TRANSFORMERS 4 – AGE OF EXTINCTION, I reached out to my friend to ask how he feels about the possibility of Dinobots making an appearance in Michael Bay’s latest movie about people running from fire and cartoon robots.
ME: So the new rumor online is that Michael Bay’s new TRANSFORMERS movie is going to have something called “Dinobots” in it.
LANDO VON SPACE INVADER (My friend doesn’t like it when I use his real name on the internet): That is AWESOME! FINALLY!
ME: Really? This is something you’ve been missing?
LANDO: OH GOD yes! Dinobots were the best !
ME: Are they robots?
LANDO: Of course! They’re Transformers!
ME: But they’re Dinosaurs?
LANDO: Dinosaur Robots!
ME: Well why would “Autobots” be Dinosaurs?
LANDO: They’re NOT Autobots! They’re DINOBOTS The Autobots MADE the Dinobots!
LANDO: Because robot Dinosaurs are AWESOME !
ME: What circumstance came about to cause the Autobots to have a need to actually create robots that turned into Dinosaurs?
LANDO: I don’t get you man. Does it matter? Why don’t you love Dinobots?
ME: I didn’t say I DON’T love Dinobots – I just don’t understand them – do they protect the “All Spark”?
LANDO: Who cares about the All Spark – Dude – DINOBOTS ! This is gonna ROCK !
ME: Is Megan Fox going to be in the movie?
LANDO: What? Dude Megan Fox is OUT – She wasn’t even in TRANSFORMERS 3
ME: She wasn’t?
ME: Are you sure?
LANDO: Of course I’m sure ! Did you even see TRANSFORMERS 3?
ME: I don’t know. I think so. It feels like I did. Did cars drive really fast and then turn into robots and then back into cars while that Shia La Douche guy dodged impossibly large explosions and screamed “Optimus” for two hours?
ME: Then yeah. I saw that. So Megan Fox isn’t in the new one?
LANDO: No way man – she’s gonna be in Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
ME: She is?
ME: Oh. That seems like a mistake. Don’t you think it makes more sense for Dinosaurs to be in THAT movie because, you know, “reptiles”. Maybe they can do a cross over. The Turtles accidently get their “ooze” DNA mixed with the DNA of a Dinosaur egg at the Museum of Natural History in NYC and then it gets zapped by the All Spark – then BAM ! Dinosaur Ninja Robots !
LANDO: That’s stupid.
ME: You think THAT’S stupid?
LANDO: Yeah man. Ninjas can’t be robots.
ME: But DINOSAURS can be robots? You have no issue with that?
LANDO: Dinobots man – AWESOME . . .
ME: I’m going to go read a book.