You know that old Rankin and Bass Christmas Special; THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS ? It’s got Shirley Booth (TVs HAZEL) as Mrs. Claus and the only thing more grating than her voice is the terrible music that fills this stop motion snooze-fest of a Christmas special.

Well all the music except for the “bookend-ed” songs by the Heat Miser and The Cold Miser. THOSE two songs were AWESOME!  I LOVED THOSE TWO SONGS ! You have to understand that I was a child in the 70s and as such had no VCR or Internet. If I wanted to see, or more precisely, HEAR those two songs I had one shot a year.  The Heat Miser/Snow Miser songs were no “RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER” or “FROSTY THE SNOWMAN” – they never played them on the radio… one chance a year on TV and that was it.

MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. Recap Season 1, Episode 10: The Bridge

I love these two.

What the hell does this have to do with last night’s AGENTS OF SHIELD episode?  Well . . . nothing really.   Except that it was on ABC FAMILY’s 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS SPECIALS THAT WE CAN AIR THIS WAY BECAUSE NO ONE EVER WATCHES THIS CHANNEL ANYWAY  and I accidentally watched it instead of AGENTS OF SHIELD.  Whoops.  While I was watching it I learned that in 2008 they made a sequel to it called “THE MISER BROTHERS CHRISTMAS”  I looked it up on the internets and it was completely LAME! That made me very angry so I just went to  sleep.

So anyway, now I have to watch AGENTS OF SHIELD and I’m ALREADY in a bad mood so I’m not doing a real “recap”.

Yeah I know the title of this post says “RECAP” but if I wanted to describe every thing that happened in an AGENTS OF SHIELD episode I’d write an AGENTS OF SHIELD episode.  Hey speaking of writing – did you know I do weekly comic strip here at THISISINFAMOUS?

START THE EPISODE 10 AGENTS OF SHIELD EXPERIENCE

Super Centipede Soldiers break a weirdo out of jail.  Skye kinda looks like Aubrey Plaza from the side.

May beats the bejesus out of Ward for fun.

Everyone stands around the shiny table to talk about the super soldiers.  Apparently now they can make centipede Extremis soldiers without them blowing up because Iron Man 3 was a long time ago.  They will need Mike Peterson from the first episode to help them.

Mike Peterson is at a SHIELD training center.   He’s pushing a tractor like it’s one of those football training things. I don’t know what they are called. I played football in High School but we never had to do that so I don’t know what to call it. It’s like a plow sort of. A football plow. Only Mike Peterson’s football plow has a tractor attached.  He’s destroying the field pushing that thing. Did no one realize this would happen? If I was the groundskeeper I’d be pissed.  Mike Peterson finishes and asks “Did I beat Captain America’s Time?”  Nope. No you did not beat Captain America’s time Mr. Mike Peterson.  You are a lame TV sorta super hero and Captain America is a MOVIE superhero. Hell if you want to get technical about it – he’s TWO Movie Superheroes because he’s ALSO the HUMAN FRICKEN TORCH !

plow

It’s like this but with a big tractor on it.

Here comes Coulson – “We need you to suit up.”  Hey, hold up a sec –   Coulson doesnt say that. Tony Stark says that to Bruce Banner. Two lame references within a minute. I’m starting to think this show sucks.

Agent May is against Mr. Mike Peterson joining them. What the hell is she even doing here anymore? She’s always grouchy and against whatever they are doing. She’s just some kinda hot grouchy contrarian in a tight black outfit.  Coulson says Everyone deserves a second chance.  Ward is unhappy too – He’s bad mouthing Mr. Mike Peterson – he doesn’t care if he’s stable now or how long ago Iron Man 3 was –  Mr. Mike Peterson comes into the shiny table room.  Ward says “He’s standing right behind me isn’t he?” No one laughs because it’s not funny. It’s not funny because that line has been used on just about every single damn TV show ever made.  Somebody should make a YOUTUBE mash up video that puts all of the times that has happened on a TV show in one video.  I’d do it, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment – Hey Skye has a Katniss braid now.

Coulson brings Mike on the plane and decides that he wants tests run on Mike Peterson because he just realized it might be dangerous to have him around his team.  I have to say I really enjoy how the dude who appears to be one of the top guys at SHIELD absolutely NEVER thinks anything through unless he’s above 30,000 feet. Fitz and Doofus are making him a “Diagnostics Suit” because they want to have a superhero on this show very badly.  Mr. Mike Peterson tells them that  the “knock out gun” he was shot with in the pilot cured the Extremis explosion issue but left the super strength and what not.  Whatever.

MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. Recap Season 1, Episode 10: The Bridge

Mike is a Superhero now.

Hey- they’re driving LOLA in front of a green screen. Agent Coulson is talking about the mystery of his existence but I  cannot focus on what he is saying because of the fact that he is turning the car steering wheel, but the car just keeps going straight. This particular classic Corvette should have flipped over by now the way he’s turning that wheel. I’m going to rewind it and watch it again so I can try to focus on what he’s saying.

Nope. Couldn’t do it. Why is he turning the wheel so much – it looks ridiculous. For Christ’s sake what the hell is wrong with that car that he has to turn the wheel so much to keep it going straight? Maybe LOLA needs a new sway bar.  Does Clark Gregg know how to drive?

Skye and May are chatting about the mission – find the weirdo or something.  Hey the hot doctor from the first episode is back!  I think it was the first episode. Yeah it definitely was – Mike explains who she is. She recruited him for the Centipede program.  Centipede is making more soldiers and has a psychic. Coulson says they can’t have a psychic because there are none – they are a myth. Skye says “So was Thor.”  Third lame reference.  Everybody drink. Hey – that’s a good idea.

AGENTS OF SHIELD DRINKING GAME

Mention an Avenger: Take a shot

Mention Tahiti: Take two shots

Somebody plays with toys based on The Avengers: Chug

Agent May frowns: Shoot yourself for watching this terrible show

Come to think of it – probably not a good idea . . .

They are tracking some chick using a very  cool business card transponder thingy. That business card would have  made Patrick Bateman proud. Hey did you know Matt Smith is doing a play based on AMERICAN PSYCHO on  London’s West End?  Matt Smith as Patrick Bateman. Dr. Who as Christian Bale.  Doesn’t seem right. Actually makes me picture Batman in a Fez.

MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. Recap Season 1, Episode 10: The Bridge

Axes are cool!

Somehow the business card leads them to California where they find Centipede Soldiers. Mike Peterson has a “super suit” now. Ward seems jealous that he has no super powers.   Mike seems to have lost some weight since the pilot.  A lot of weight.  Maybe those SHIELD super suits are just very slimming.

Coulson, Ward, May and Mr. Mike Peterson head off to a big fight in the shipping container warehouse from the unaired David Kelley Wonder Woman pilot.  You know the one I mean. Strange that it was “unaired” yet we’ve all seen it.  Hey this is not a good fight for these guys.

Mike got stabbed. Coulson got beat up. May got beat up. Ward got beat up,

SHIELD is NOT good at fighting Super soldiers.

uh oh . . . now the bad guys know about Mike Peterson . . . they know he doesn’t blow up! But their Super Soldiers don’t blow up either . . . I’m confused. Is this important?

Hey the eye thing is back !  The hot doctor is able to see what the Super Centipede Soldiers see !  The Agents of SHIELD can’t “hack” it anymore because… the plot requires them not to.

May is pissed because she thinks Ward took a punch for her in the big warehouse fight. He says he didn’t. Now May is even grouchier. Skye walked in and heard May and Ward having a “lover’s spat”.   May called her a stupid orphan or something and pretty much smacked her in the mouth with the fact that Coulson is lying to her about her parents.  Skye ran to her room crying. She is probably crying because  9 episodes ago it seemed like she was going to be the central character of this show and the producers would be using her character to identify with the audience as she got deeper and deeper into the shadowy world of espionage and super heroics.  Now 9 episodes later all she does is whine and cry. Just like me when I WATCH this show. I take it back. Maybe she IS the best character to identify with the audience.

Coulson listens to her cry outside the door. Hey . . . I wonder if . . .

Mike is still hurt from the fight.  Coulson tells him that he knows he hasn’t seen his son since the first episode.  Mike says it’s because he can’t face him after he acted like such a monster. Coulson tells him that he made a choice not to have a family so that he would be able to commit to the “job”.  It’s easier if there is no one to think about if you have to make “the call”.  Coulson tells Mike Peterson that he will always have to consider his son in all of his mission decisions. I am not certain what he is hoping to achieve with this line of . . . encouragement?

Hey – do you think maybe Coulson is Skye’s father?

Mike calls his son. His son is playing with some AVENGERS action figures (CHUG DRINK)  and we find out that . . . THE HOT DOCTOR IS THERE AND SHE HAS TAKEN HIM HOSTAGE !

I’ll say this for AGENTS OF SHIELD,  they never make you wait long for plot seeds to grow. That wasn’t even two minutes. It’s like plot “weeds”.

They are going to exchange Mike Peterson for his kid near an oil tanker truck on what looks like a dock of some sort.

Coulson and Mike get out of the truck and meet the hot doctor and one of the Super Centipede Etremis soldiers.

They don’t want Mike. They want Coulson.

Mike knew this was going to happen.

MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. Recap Season 1, Episode 10: The Bridge

Worst. Superhero. Ever.

Ward is up high with a rifle but he can’t get a good shot.

Mike Peterson is the worst superhero ever. Seriously. This guy sucks.

Blah Blah Blah. Coulson get’s taken – the kid gets freed – Mike tries to rescue him but gets blown up when the tanker truck explodes for no reason I was able to discern or care about.  Everyone screams NO! Suddenly the car Coulson was taken to explodes ! Everyone screams NO!

A helicopter rises from below the dock and starts firing machine guns! Ward is shot dead ! It’s about time. I hated that guy. Always so wooden and such a cliche with his James Bond good looks and his calm under pressure . . . he’s right behind me isn’t he?   SEE? It’s NOT funny.

Hey Coulson is in the helicopter! The Hot doctor tells him that they want to know what happened the day after he died . . . huh?  What now?   Why would . . . the hot doctor . . . care about . . .  CREDITS.

Hey wait! There is more !

Scenes from the next episode after the December break – oh. Ward’s alive. Coulson is free.

Do they not even understand how a CLIFFHANGER works on this dopey ass show?

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