I have watched the new trailer for TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES six  times now.

Before I go any further – here – you watch it.

I like it! It’s got lots of stuff I like ! Action and bad guys and reptiles dressed as Ninjas and ominous choral performances in the soundtrack and most importantly – it’s got a lot of Megan Fox.

Now it is entirely possible that I may not be the ideal person to be reporting on this because I have something of a disability.

I am absolutely unable to judge anything with Megan Fox objectively.  I just can’t.  I know on paper that calling her a competent character actress may be considered extremely generous and I know that the barista chick at Starbucks who hands her those Iced Coffee concoctions she is so fond of probably does a more convincing line read of ANY piece of dialogue from JONAH HEX than her – but I don’t care.  Shia La Beowulf (sp?) claims he slept with her and that alone should make me feel nothing but disgust and abject sadness for her poor judgment and lack of good taste but it does not affect my feelings for her in the least.

Megan Fox

I would kill you for this woman without being asked twice.

I don’t think I’d even feel bad about it.  I don’t even think I would give it a second thought. One minute you and I would be hanging out, having a nice conversation about how the true tragedy of American Politics is the fact that both sides are so fully and utterly devoid of the slightest strength of moral fortitude and then Megan would say, “Hey Brian – kill that person.” and I would hit you over the head with a frying pan.

Kablamm.  No question, no hesitation, no fight or flight reflex to speak of.  It’s a serious problem and I don’t want you to think I take it lightly because I don’t.  I know the power that she holds over me and so I am very careful to avoid situations where we might end up in the same air space.  Luckily for all of us, it’s been easier to manage than you might think.

That being said I do not like the idea of April O’Neil’s father having ANYTHING to do with the creation of  the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES.  I also don’t like the fact that Anakin made C3P0 and could care less about Richard Parker’s work with radioactive spiders so as you may infer – this is an ongoing frustration with me and the current class of Hollywood screenwriters.  It’s possible that this is one of those situations where it’s some tricky trailer editing and her father is actually responsible for the creation of the metal faced Foot Clan soldiers but six of one, half a dozen of the other – I don’t want her involved.

Don’t you think that it’s just a fundamentally better situation from a storytelling standpoint to have April O’Neil be a TV reporter who happens upon the story of her life?  Why take this perfect modern day Lois Lane and turn her into a part of the story she is supposed to be reporting?  Much better to have her be the audience surrogate here no? Why make it seem like this movie is HER story?

Granted it’s only a trailer but I’m also not getting a real strong vibe on the personalities of the “heroes on a half shell either”. They all kind of seem the same from this – at least to me.  I just hope that the folks responsible here really understand the not so subtle differences in the fact that  Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but crude – and most importantly Michalangelo is a party dude.  If they don’t get THAT at least then I fear all hope is lost here.

Otherwise I guess it looks about as much fun as I’d expect a movie made by Nickelodeon about Turtles trained by a Rat to be Ninjas to be.

That’s actually a glowing endorsement as far as I’m concerned and they are welcome to use it on posters.

Plus it has skateboards which I like almost as much as Megan Fox.  Not saying I would kill you over one but…

megan deck

About The Author

When not working hard to protect democracy against the forces of evil or training to be a Jedi Knight like his father before him, New York Writer/Artist/Scribbler of Nonsense, Brian McKevitt spends a lot of time drawing superheroes and zombies and his friends. Occasionally he confuses them and ends up drawing his friends as zombie superheroes.

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